Planet Of Bastards III
After six months of darkness, here is what you’ve all been waiting for. Here is the first official post of the third incarnation of Planet of Bastards!
Obviously the first thing you have to be wondering is how often are updates going to be happening. Sorry, the FIRST thing you have to be wondering is WHY GOD WHY!? WHY HAST THOUST FORSOOK ME SO?!! Well I’m not really in a position to answer that as I’ve not received a reply to the application I sent off for the position of God. It would be just my luck if they went and gave the position to a bloody Catholic… “Affirmative Action” indeed… What I will do is answer the first question with a non-committal “I’dunno”… This is because I’ve got a lot on my proverbial plate at the minute. Between work, drinking and shouting at badgers because I’ve quit smoking and I’m angry at everything, providing you anonymous people in internet land with insane ramblings on a regular basis isn’t high on the priority list. You’ll have to be patient… Or fuck off… Either way is fine by me mi’laddo.
For those of you who have either never been here before or have paid a hired psychiatric doctor enough money to rid you of your memories, I’ll be recapping and reintroducing some of the people who make this sacred ground what it is.
THE INHABITANTS
Phil: That’s me. Many adjectives have been placed in sentences that have also contained my name. Sarcastic, alcoholic, bastard and fuckwit to name just four. Just like last year I still work as a minimum-wage retail monkey. If you’ve ever been refused a refund on a toaster because of your grotesque appearance then it could have been me responsible. If it happened at an Argos store in the Manchester region, then it probably was. My long term aim in life is to have Manchester-based construction firm owner Eric Wright exposed to the world as a paedophile. He isn’t one as far as I know, but I don’t like him and, whether he is aware of it or not, he is my mortal enemy so it just seems like the thing to do.
Fitzy: My flatmate and the only other permanent inhabitant of Flat 80. (long-term readers may recall that we struggled to get along with the majority of other people we lived with…) His alcoholism and anger have almost semi-legendary status among the hallowed halls of the Sainsbury’s produce aisles. Despite this accolade being coupled with the honour of co-starring in a low-key, seldom-read internet blog, it wouldn’t be an unfair judgement to say that Fitzy probably isn’t the most successful of his Northern Irish friends. For example Kyle and Francis are currently travelling Malaysia and Thailand because they needed a holiday after living in Australia for a year… And as for David, a man who once cleaned our oven in House 34 because he couldn’t stand how dirty it was, well he has his own radio show for Essex university’s student radio station that he can use to voice his racist views to the public… Well Essex students at any rate.
David Garland: Tough on Jews. Tough on Baked in Grease.
So that’s two of us. But if this site’s going to be about more than just watching DVDs of 24 and playing Pro Evolution Soccer 6 we’re going to need some more people. Luckily, fortune took a big man-turd over our faces in that respect:
THE REPROBATES
Adam: Before I spend the next year making fun out of Adam I should, in all seriousness, mention that Adam is the main reason why this sight could well amuse you over the coming months. You see in Adam we have once again found a Nick. You see Nick, one of the original cast of Planet Of Bastards was both a bit of a thicko and a big daft racist. Adam on the other hand… Well he’s a bit of a thicko… He’s a big daft racist… And he’s ginger! Not just ginger, but one of those gingers who insists on being called “strawberry blonde” as if that is in some way better. Wait, lets get our tangent on for a minute: Why the fuck do gingers think that being “strawberry blonde” could ever be in any way better… It sounds gay… And conveniently Adam also hates gays. Now obviously racism and homophobia are abhorrent but they make for fucking great storytelling. See now I can make fun out of Adam and the stupid crap he does all I want and you wont care because he’s a bigot. And that, my friends, is just great.
Chris: The first night I met Chris he crashed a Skoda into wall after he’d parked it and then proceeded to be the second person to throw up in our flat (Adam was the first.) That meant he had a lot of work to do on his part in order to stop me stabbing him with a fork. Unfortunately for me, he is actually a sound enough person. He’d have to be because he is both a menace to the road network of the United Kingdom (I’ll have to get Fitzy to post one of the many near-death experiences he has had as a result of being in a car with Chris) and a person who can’t pronounce the word “fifth” properly. He says “fift” despite apparently knowing that it’s wrong and having had me throw an Argos catalogue in his face over the matter. Still he was born in Salford and educated in a catholic school so we should probably cut him some slack.
The Rest
Philippa: When Nick left Philippa became the main target of our mocking. Needless to say she doesn’t actually visit us very often any more. That said I assume she is still alive and living in the Salford area so you never know when she’ll get the urge for more punishment. Whether she does or not, this chart says she looks like the Dalai Lama:
To my horror the Dalai Lama picture was deleted when an old website went down. Instead I'll post this picture of her being fed. -Evil Curator
James: A former flatmate who posts here sometimes. At this point I need to take a moment to say a big thank you to Mark Croft, a man whom I have never met. To be perfectly honest I hope that I never do meet him, because I have managed to see an impressive number of free gigs with James thanks to Mark’s inability to turn up to concerts that he has already bought tickets to. So Mark, here’s to a long and prosperous career of being rubbish at travelling.
Dom: Star of the legendary rum picture diary. Dom likes nothing more than to get stoned and spend an evening being unable to answer questions… Or blink. With any luck he too will at some point be making another ‘Special Guest Star’ appearance around here.
So there it is. A motley cast of characters worthy of any bland American sitcom from the 1980s. Coming Soon: These people participate in and react to events and actions in ways that will be documented by me.
Prehashed: Phil
