Thought For The Week: Google Special
“They have begun, building their complex construction, intended from the first to sacrifice the Universe…”
Lets all just sit round a table for a second and admit something. Call it an intervention. Now we’re all friends here and we all care very much but it has to be said: Google isn’t very good.
Now I know what you’re thinking: But Phil, when I type the word tits into Google and press the image tab I get tits!
Well sure you do! I never said Google wasn’t useful. It just isn’t very good. I mean Waffles are useful: You can put them with practically any meal in some for or another. But at the end of the day what are Waffles? They’re Siamese Chips… That’s all.
To prove my point here are the top three searches that people have genuinely made into Google that have resulted in them coming across this site and hence them getting, probably, exactly what they didn’t want. Bare in mind that I’ve only taken these from the last few days and while it has been a particularly bizarre week for Google searches, there have been some extremely disturbing ones in the past. I’ve just never written them down. This site, then, also isn’t very good. It’s also not useful so you have to ask why the fuck is it here?
#3: “Cunts at Microsoft”: Jam it into Google and we’re the fourth site you come across. However more than that, look down the first results page. Not one of these links will actually take the user to the thing that he/she wanted: The contact details or webpages of all the employees at Microsoft who are actually cunts. Google failed them. [I admit to still maintaining a great deal at pride that I once ran a site that was the #4 stop for people searching 'cunts at Microsoft'. -Curator]
#2: “Steve Coogan dissertation bag of shite”: Ok this one is only as high up the rankings as it is because this site comes top of the search list. In fact it gets the top two search results. I’m not entirely sure that that’s a good thing, but it is, at least, an important thing. To be honest I’m a little confused as to what the searcher was actually trying to find. I can envisage a Steve Coogan dissertation (because we all know there are some people who are doing pointless ‘fake’ degrees… you know, like art and stuff) [Or Politics, Phil... Or Politics. -Curator] and I can full well imagine a bag containing shite (personally I’m imagining a brown paper bag containing shite but if you’re thinking of a satchel or a holdall then by all means keep that dream.) Putting the two together confuses me. As far as I can work out the bag itself must be made of the Steve Coogan dissertation. I can forgive Google for not finding this to be honest, there’s just too many variables. Is the dissertation itself about Steve Coogan or by Steve Coogan? I think we’d better all just stop thinking about it and move on.
#1: “Paul McCartney is a money grabbing bastard”: Now this one is a disappointment. Google should’ve been able to handle it. The last two entries had an heir of a lust for knowledge about them. Take ‘Cunts at Microsoft’ which conveys far more of a quest for knowledge and information than if it had just been ‘Microsoft are Cunts’ (which this site is search position 3 for!). This search is all about imposing your belief on people. Paul McCartney IS a money grabbing bastard: See, if the searcher is trying to find someone with that belief either to share OR to oppose they don’t want to come across this site in eighth position bitching about the band Wings. Come ON! The internet is all about imposing your belief on other people… Fuck, that’s what all of life and existance is about! And, if you put quote marks around the search, you’ll see that Google thinks not one place on the internet is of the belief that Paul McCartney is a money grabbing cunt. PAUL MCCARTNEY IS NOT THAT FUCKING SAINTLY THAT NOT ONE PERSON ON THE WHOLE FUCKING INTERNET THINKS HE’S A MONEY GRABBING CUNT!
Unsurprisingly: Phil
